Wearing the shit that you slept in all weekend long may have been acceptable in grade school. Hell…maybe letting that spill over into your college years can be given a free pass. These passes, however, expire once you become and adult-adult (i.e. living on your own, holding down an actual job or, dare we say, career,) your days of booting-and-rallying in your favorite head-to-toe Joe Boxer ensemble while you and you dorm mates embark on a twelve-hour Halo marathon are over. Once you leave your place for anything more than the morning paper or the drive-through Starbucks window (we’re letting that one slide–you gotta wake up somehow), then you are not only obligated to look semi put-together, but expected to.
.#2 – The “German Tourist“
(Full Disclosure – We mean this with absolutely no malice or ridicule to the actual people of the German Republic, and concede that, while some people in the nation of 82 million may surely be guilty of this, most Germans are actually quite stylish. —Eds.)
#3 – The “Patton Oswalt is My Style Muse” Look
Just…don’t Your mother won’t be proud of you and no other woman is gonna see your inner beauty if they can’t see past the Cheeto dust around your mouth.
#4 – The High School Gym Teacher
You know the look. Let’s not pretend for one second that you don’t. Let’s rattle off the list: Nut-hugger shorts. Bright white knee socks rising up out of a pair of 1987 Asics. The indent of a can of Skoal on the rear pocket or, in many cases, the can itself.
#5 – Dwight Shrute, Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
We hate that we have to say this, but clipping your mobile phone on your belt is the fashion equivalent of the Mullet. Unless you’re a superintendent at a construction site, your mobile belongs in your rear, non-wallet pocket, your coat pocket, or a flat surface somewhere.
#6 – Hipster or Homeless?
Not Pictured: Sense of entitlement and $53,000 Luxury SUV
This one should be pretty self-explanatory. If I have to hold a serious, minutes-long debate inside my head as to whether you are an actual person who has fallen on hard times, or a walking trust fund with a man bun, it’s time to shave, bathe, and stop trying to convince people that your summer abroad in El Salvador makes you Jane-friggin’ Goodall.
#7 – The Cropduster, Brought to You by Axe Body Spray
Apparently, most men were not taught the same piece of advise my mother gave to me as a teen: If you bathe in cologne, you’ll smoke everybody out and no one will want to be anywhere near you. Putting on less (unless it’s a cheap drugstore bottle) will last throughout the day and give girls an excuse to be near you so they can enjoy the $75 bottle of Acqua di Gio that you have on. The biggest offenders, in our personal experience, are the bros who decide to fumigate themselves with a $6 bottle of Axe body spray, which is the Nickelback of colognes, if you can call it a cologne. Don’t be that guy. With cologne, as with MANY items of clothing and accessories, you get what you pay for 99.9% of the time. Trust us; it’s worth every penny.
#8 – “Like My Suit? It Belongs to my Father!”
We’ve lost count at how many men we see throughout the day wearing baggy, ill-fitted suits. Not only does it make you look unprofessional, but it makes you look sloppy and completely self-unaware. Why buy a suit that costs hundreds of dollars just to wear it as-is? Spend the extra money on a tailor ( which shouldn’t be any more than $50, but even if it is, it’s worth EVERY PENNY.)
#9 – You’re Not at a Game. Take The Damn Jersey Off!
Look. We totally understand sports fans (of which we are) and we get that they like to sport their favorite players’ jerseys at game (we own many and have done so in the past.) This team pride, however, must check its stadium attire at the arena’s gates once you leave the venue. Anywhere that is not your home or a gathering place of athletic activity, LEAVE THE DAMN SHIRT IN THE DRAWER! We’re not knocking the wearing of jerseys when the situation dictates, but nobody gives a shit that you’re rocking a John Starks replica from 1994 or that you are the world’s biggest John Elway fan. Put on a shirt that DOESN’T have someone’s name on it. Better yet, wear a shirt that has no writing or logos on it at all. You’re not a paid spokesman for Tommy Hilfiger, so don’t act like one.