As beautifully explained in this recent article from AskMen.com, beards are, for the most part, unnecessary and look ridiculous. When men started sporting beards again a couple years ago, it was refreshing to see guys go au naturale and show some facial hair that wasn’t the lame ’90s goatee or the cop/perv/porn star mustache that belongs in the Beastie Boys’ Sabotage video and nowhere else.
We have now gone beyond “Peak Bear” and it has crossed over into the territory of fetishization where having a beard isn’t simply a daily choice of not shaving, but a statement that is broadcast to the world that you are an asshole. This isn’t to say that every man with a beard is an asshole. It’s that the moment you allow that beard to go from facial hair to fashion accessory, you’ve crossed over into terra doucha.
Once beards jumped the shark from something men wore in the Winter months or something Sean Connery began to sport in his post-Bond life to something that was a trend, it was no longer facial hair. It was a way that you said to the world “Hey! Look at me!! I’m trendy and hip and just don’t give a fuck!” But you do. You do indeed give many fucks, and you want us all to know it.
If you don’t believe us, and think that we’re just crapping on a segment of the population (we are) or that we’re jealous that women are inexplicably attracted to your dressing and looking like a cartoon character (we are,) let us give you a word of warning: At one time, guys wearing acid-washed jeans and sporting long, glorious mullets were ones in your EXACT position in the later eighties and early nineties, never thinking their reign of sartorial and sexual dominance will end. Fortunately, these gentlemen were wrong, and as a service to those of you sporting cartoonishly exaggerated manes upon the part of your face where you shove Monster Energy Drink and “casually” mention that you work at a startup, we are telling you to SAVE YOURSELF. Save yourself from the regret that will come ten years, nay, ten months from now when the beard trend is on the decline and you look like a complete idiot in photos, unable to think for yourself when it comes to fashion trends.
Save yourself from your children wondering why their father thought it was OK to want to look like everyone else, and why your body is covered in tattoos that have zero significance to your life, but looked cool from 2008 to 2018. If this is who you REALLY are, then ask yourself “did I like looking like this BEFORE it became widely accepted and perverted by the masses?” Or are you so desperate to cling to a sort of stylistic tribalism and feel the need to attach yourself to a trend for the sake of fitting in and getting girls? The conclusion is yours and yours alone to reach, but we hope to have given you some food for thought and some perspective.
Manner is based in Jacksonville, Florida and helps men dress and look better. We also want to remind you that, while the late Patrick Swayze may have sported a mullet and pulled it off fairly well, you are not Patrick Swayze.